Where Will I Be In Ten Years?

Probably dead.

I don’t plan for the future anymore. I Don’t think I ever have. I didn’t even ask to be born into this world. I just discovered one day that I am who I am and that I have a Mom and a Dad and some brothers. I never knew how it all fit into the scheme of my existence. It never occurred to me to contemplate it. I was just here and wearing clothes and eating food (hardly) and then I was going to school.

I didn’t know what I was doing or what I should be doing. I was never guided or mentored on what a boy should be doing and how he should live his life. I was never taught how to plan for my future. Between my parents arguing and my brothers getting their attention through sports, I think I was forgotten in the mix. Then my younger brother was born and all the attention went to him. Then my sister was born and I was happy. I looked after my sister while all my brothers went about with their activities.

I don’t blame anyone for any of my short comings. I was just born at that time.

Was it tough growing up? Only in the food department. I was a picky eater and survived on: Milk, Cheese, Potato Chips, Strawberry Jam on Toast, Carnation Instant Breakfast (chocolate of course), Tony’s Cheese Pizza, and the rare Apple. That was my diet for about the first fifteen years of my life until I tried my first hot dog at my friends place.

See how easy it is for me to go off on one of my tangents? Freaky!

If I were to plan for my future now that I am Sixty, and unemployed, and still in a marriage that has gone down the gurgler, I would say I will most likely be dead or living on the streets. I am dead serious. I know that my wife wants to live her life the way she sees fit and I will never interrupt her ways because I love her unconditionally. I refuse to move back to the USA because of the direction it is taking. If I did return, once I got off the plane I would start walking to New Mexico. That’s right, walking. I don’t know what I would find there, but hopefully I’d be able to scrape together a living existence.

I’m hedging my bets on dying within ten years. Firstly, I have kidney failure and I won’t take anyone’s kidney at this age. I figure it would be better off going to someone who is more deserving of it. I take full responsibility for damaging mine by my smoking and I will die knowing that it was my own damn fault. Thanks, but no thanks. Secondly, I have a stint in my heart from a heart attack in May 2021. The doctor says that I have 60% blockage in two other arteries. I figure one of those will blow open within ten years and I will cease to exist.

I don’t want to move in with anyone because I wouldn’t want to be a burden. People have enough on their plate already. Plus they are in their comfort zones and I would be an intrusion or interruption. Just let me become a no name transient dude. I’m really at the point of not caring any more. I deserve everything I get from this point onward. I’m not a nihilist, I see it for just what it is. I have recently met some dudes who have had their wife’s leave them or they have been kicked out.

I think that once a woman reaches her forties and realizes that she is aging, she does all sorts of crazy things to retain whatever it is that she feels she is losing. It’s kind of weird. Why even get married in the first place!?! I was in it whole heartedly until death did I part. I guess aging scares them. I’m not being sarcastic, this is the way it plays out. If anything, I feel gypped that I made this huge leap to travel halfway across the world and start a family only to be told that she has now changed.

It’s not a wonder that my heart broke and is still in that process. So in ten years from now, I will most likely be dead. All I ask is to be with my family until they are on their way into the world. It’s not far from that point now.

My outlook doesn’t look good to many. I guess this is my Karma, but I don’t believe in that stuff. People do and this may make them understand my situation better. It’s not a bad situation right now, and I am not throwing a pity party. I’m just writing on how I see things playing out for me in the next ten years. Don’t shoot the messenger even when the messenger is the one that wrote the message.

Ten years is a long time and anything can happen. I treat myself better at times and then there are times I find it hard to motivate myself. I call these phases and the best thing I do is recognize when I am in one and do my best to work through it. Thankfully these episodes are few and far between. I do feel helpless at times and fight like hell to break free. I do this by riding my bike or playing my drums.

By the way, if anything I am writing resonates or helps anyone feel free to communicate with me if you wish.

I don’t know where I will be in ten years, for christ’s sake, right now I am just trying to live each day as it comes. I like to be there for my family as much as possible and take care of things on the home front while I have this time to do so. What is most important to me is to be there for my children and assist them with anything, like driving them to their activities, washing their clothes, making sure there is food in the fridge and listening to them with undivided attention. Hopefully they will appreciate it all later.

My kids are brilliant and I want to be their mentor and guide them as they grow up, so that when they step out into the world they will find other mentors that will guide them. They have confidence and poise to face all the challenges that they will meet. If anything that I taught them, I wish for them to pass on to their own offspring is how to think, not what to think. Be original and honest in their thinking and question things often. I will always offer them as much support as I can. I will be able to die comfortably knowing that they will be well. That is all I ask.

In closing, I really think that in ten years I will be dead and I am okay with it. I will do my best to live my life to its fullest, if that is even possible. I would love to get back into stand-up again. After all these articles I have written and the hundreds that I haven’t published as yet, I think I have ample material. I would also like to meet some other musicians that I vibe with to form a band. I look at the world with earnest since my life has gone awry somewhat. I feel like I am gaining control of certain things while I flounder in other areas.

I just wish that I had a better opportunity to really make something of myself. Well, I have ten years to do something about that. Wish me the best!