The Life Of A Loner
I don’t fit into anyone’s puzzle
I don’t know why I was born, except that it had to do with reasons of biology. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my parents and siblings very much. It’s just that when I became aware of myself in my later years, I realized that I kind of didn’t fit in with everything around me.
I was more of a loner than my brothers who were always hanging around with their friends. I had one friend that had a passion for causing trouble. He was the instigator and I was just a follower. I know that his parents didn’t like me. Once I went to his house and called out for him by their side door, I overheard his mother tell him not to answer and wait until I gave up and went away. I didn’t think anything of it back then, but in later years it kind of made me feel…, not right. The last time I saw him in the neighborhood he was in the back seat of a car stoned out of his mind.
It’s seemed to me that all the kids who I hanged out with were trouble makers. I blindly followed them around for whatever reason. After a while as I grew older I began to think that I was a vortex for trouble makers. So I made a calculated decision in my teenage years to be choosy about who I would hang around with. This was one of the better decisions that I would make, as I became aware of who my friends were from there on.
I have always been a good soul and would never cause harm to anyone or anything. I knew this about me deep inside. From the ages of six to ten I was a moving target for the bullies in the neighborhood. I avoided them at all cost. Every now and then I ran into them on my way home from school and they would chase me, and if I got caught, I got beaten up. It was just the way that things happened in the hood. Usually there was a gang of them who knew my route home from school and I had to learn to take an out of the way route just to avoid them. It was longer, but safer.
I made some good friends in high school and had fun with them. By then I could tell who to avoid and who to hang with. I was a floater among the burnouts, socialites, jocks and other floaters. One of those friends, who seemed a little too worldly, is now in jail for kidnapping his ex-wife at gun point. When I found this out, I could see how he turned out based on how his character was back when I knew him. He was possessive with his girl friends and I thought that was uncool.
I keep in touch with only one friend from those days. Her and I worked together after high school and we laughed a lot. I see her friends from school on social media and I don’t think any of them would remember me from back then. I had a few invites through social media, but those days and times are history to me. I have no desire to catch up or reminisce. I am totally detached from all of that and living on the other side of the globe now.
I am still a loner and don’t mind it at all. I am happy by myself and am able to entertain my whims and fancies without obliging to anyone else. I’m a loner, I am not lonely. Yes, it would be nice to have a close friend or two, but there is no one that I resonate with. I have work colleagues that are pretty cool, but we are too spread out across the city to get together after work. I tried it a couple of times with a few of them, getting together to eat out, but they have moved on to others lines of work and we never exchanged phone numbers.
It’s not bad being alone. I have my family now and it is wonderful watching my children grow up and follow their interest. I’m quite proud of them. My wife and I have done an amazing job of bringing them up. My wife, on the other hand, has quite a few friends whom she hangs around with. I don’t mind at all. She is much more social than me anyways. No, I don’t hang out with her and her friends, I have no desire to. I told her before we got married that I would never stop her from doing whatever she wanted to do, and I’ve kept my word. It’s been trying at times but I think everyone must live their life to their fullest without hindrance. The best thing that I love about her is our conversations. We have similar interests, but have different expressions on differing topics. It’s all good.
I love being a loner. It’s a way for me to learn and understand myself. I think a better way to describe it is, it’s a way for me to be self referral, and that’s a good thing. If I were king of the world, I would make it mandatory for people to get to know themselves by being alone for periods of time. I think that the world would be better off when we commune with each other. I can see why David Thoreau went off into the woods when he did and became self sufficient.
Maybe it’s not something for everyone as some people need constant friends around them. My sister had a friend at university that would always walk closely by her side. Almost as if she would walk into her so there would always be a constant physical contact. I thought that was weird. I actually didn’t notice it until my sister pointed it out to me. I don’t think her friend could ever be alone for any period of time.
To this day I still feel like I don’t fit in. I am that stray puzzle piece that is in the wrong box of life. The thing is, I am okay with it. It’s who I am. I know that there are others just like me. In fact, I think there are one or two among my colleagues at work. They usually keep to themselves and ignore the gossip groups in the room. Me too. I just plod along and once my work is done for the day, it’s freedom for me baby!!
I get in my car (and I love my car) and drive home enjoying my car. In my car I can really be alone and listen to my music. It’s one of my pleasures. I drive my car to the bay at night and walk, all alone. It is so nice. I would love if my family came along, but I think they like being by themselves too. My daughter is usually in her room studying, reading, texting her friends and listening to her music. She burns incense now and lights a candle. My son is in his room playing games on his computer while chatting with his friends online, or playing his guitars. They both have a unique space all to their own. It’s a good feeling.
My space is in front of my computer writing. This is my zone. It’s my heaven. If I’m not here, I’m sitting in my chair in my bedroom with my laptop, writing. I have hundreds of drafts just waiting for my attention. If I’m outside, you will find me riding around the town on my bike when the weather is just right and the Magpies aren’t dive bombing my skull.
Being a loner is a fantastic way of living. I get to explore different parts of the city. You will run into me at the museums, by the bay and grocery shopping. I have everything I need. You can even drop by for a chat, but not for too long, as I like my space and the togetherness of Me, Myself and I.
A good day to you!
