The Experience Of Marriage
It starts out great! You’re in love and the world is open to all possibilities. The courting before marriage is wonderful as you discover this person that becomes your whole world and you feel invincible. Every new day is bliss beyond your greatest imagination. The only thing that is different before marriage and afterwards is the word ‘marriage.’
Now you’re married and living together, but there is something different. You’re lawfully together, yeah, that’s a given. Are you the same before the marriage and now being married? Yeah? So the logical step is to build upon your relationship together, right? Of course! But there is a hum underlying this bond that you can’t put your finger on, so you just keep on keeping on and let it sort itself out. It’s new, and you are in love together.
Years pass and you have established which side of the bed that you sleep on. You take turns doing the household chores and you don’t mind taking responsibility if you find yourself doing more of the chores than your spouse, because you’re in love. This goes on, but you don’t mind because, well because why? It seems like you are doing most of the washing of clothes, hanging them to dry and even folding them and putting them away. You don’t mind at all.
Then you start having children. Something changes. The bond you have changes. More needs have to be met. But this is life and you keep moving onward with everything. The children are beautiful and the laundry builds up, dishes are left on the counter which you will get to later. The house starts to resemble a small battle field of toys scattered about and the smell of poo is in the air. Any romance has taken a back seat for the time being.
Another kid appears out of the blue and you keep chugging along doing what you can to hold things together. The house is even becoming messier than ever. You start stepping on Lego pieces strewn about the floor. But hey, the kids are beautiful. You do what you can, when you can. This is life. The laundry builds up more then ever before. But at least you have a lovely family and you start sharing stories with other adults that you have met at child care.
Money starts having to be stretched to make ends meet. The house needs repairs and you have to schedule time to do that. Walls are starting to be marked with crayons and dirty sticky fingerprints. An appliance breaks and you have to decide whether to get it fixed or buy another one to replace it. You start having to weigh up and prioritize your finances. You spouse starts to make certain demands and you’re doing your best to keep on top of it.
There are good days, and there are bad days. You start to doubt why you got married at all. You still love your spouse beyond a doubt. You may think to yourself, as the children grow older and start going to school, that the romance will be lit again. Life is cyclical anyway and you just have to put in the hard yards. It will come right, be patient.
You have started a routine and things start coming right. There may be a friction here and there between you and your spouse, but it all works out for the most part. The house isn’t such a mess as your children grow older and are in school full time. You’ve learned how to do most repairs around the house by now. The lawns look good and the hedges are trimmed. You put a lot of effort into those chores. You feel proud about your accomplishments.
You have a chorus of friends that you’ve met through your children at school. Some of those friends are a little out of touch with your thinking, but they seem good value, …don’t they? Well, it might seem a little uncomfortable at times and you don’t let it bother you, too much. You’re just different. You may find yourself avoiding them at events, like your children’s school dances. Maybe you start to distance yourself just a bit. But hey, this is life, right?
You may notice that your spouse has changed somewhat and the spark of romance is not very bright. But you ask if they are okay and give them a little space to work it all out. I mean, you still love them; Your heart is in it and you still see that they are as beautiful as ever. It will all work out, just give it a little more time. The children are older and you love discovering the person that they are becoming. You will do anything for them and encourage them in their endeavors.
Then one day your partner tells you that they have changed. This may not happen to everyone, but some people go through it. Your heart becomes broken. You find yourself at rock bottom. It seems like suicide is the only way out of the pain that you are feeling. Everyone avoids you like the plague. Word gets around and you just want to disappear. But you can’t. You still have to be there for your children. They are the most important people in your life.
Your marriage is broken. You would like to run away, but you won’t abandon your children. The only option is to rise up like the Phoenix, face every day and do your best to make it work.
Every day is a struggle. But every day you are alive. You start focusing on what makes you laugh again, and what kind of music makes you feel good. Through some miracle you may still be with your partner. They may no longer be your ‘spouse’ but you know deep inside the love that you have for them. You come to a point where you become the most unconditional person that you have ever been; You watch your partner live the life that they have chosen and somehow you are alright with it.
Your love for them even increases believe it or not. Together through all of the trauma, your relationship becomes effortless. Together you work seamlessly as your children grow into young adults and you are so proud of them. Every now and then you catch a gleam in the eye of this person who has changed and there is still a connection. It may not be romance, for it is simply love. By now you have mastered the art of laundry and the house, now a home, is only slightly messy. But you can live with that.
This person that you fell in love with all those years ago is gone. And yet, the laughter has returned. You both have grown and are becoming your true selves. It is wonderful and you know deep inside that through it all, you wouldn’t change a thing. You are two different people now, but you have always been two different people, it just may have taken you longer to realize it. As we all know, love can blind you and you may only see what you want to see at the beginning.
Marriage isn’t a journey, it’s not a path either. It is just an experience which nourishes the soul. Do not take it lightly. Consume it in its entirety.
