My Therapist Thinks I’m Weird

Writing is my therapy. Writing while listening to music is my medicine. For instance, I am now writing while I listen to ‘Curious Cover for Cool Cats’ by Cathi Ogden. While she covers songs from The Cure to Britney Spears, from the Beach Boys to The Police, changing the songs to a jazz influence — I’m feeling better already! It’s a great album to pass the time to while writing.

My writing is a way for me to see “My Self”. It is a means to help me function in a world that at times confuses and make no sense to me. I write to find ‘My Self’ in order to cope. It may be difficult for me to explain what I mean by the term “My Self”, but I will try my best to explain.

The Alien Child

My Mother used to call me the Alien child because I was so different from my other brothers and sister. I was physically smaller, academically slower and didn’t make friends easy. I was quite a loner at a young age. My favorite game in my youth was to spy on the other kids. I was very interested in music from an early age and I remember playing Take Five over and over again on my Dad’s David Brubeck Quartet album, as well as the soundtrack to Mary Poppins or the soundtrack to the James Bond Theme.

I know I went off on one of my tangents here, but stick with me, I will tie it all up for you in regards to ‘My Self.’

As I mentioned in another article recently, I am very comfortable being by myself. As a child I could entertain myself riding my bike around the neighborhood getting chased by the tough kids before they caught me and did what punk kids do at that age to loner kids. It was tough at times but I managed as I grew older and wiser, because that is when I discovered humor.

I started school off great and loving it. I always had my hand up and the teacher would avoid calling me because I was so eager to answer. Then in the second grade my eye sight went bad. On top of this, I was placed in the back of the room. The only time the teacher seemed interested in me was when I was staring out the huge windows watching the sky and she wanted my attention to sing church hymns while she played the organ. I finally got eyeglasses in the last part of my third year in school, but by then it was too late for me to be academically equal with my classmates.

Oh no, no, no!! This is not a ‘woe is me’ writing. I don’t need any violins playing between your finger and thumb. Remember, I am getting to the whole ‘My Self’ bit, so hang in there and read on.

It was around this time in my life that I began to notice that I was more than my body and mind. I was somebody within my body. I was separate from my body and mind, but stuck inside it. I didn’t speak about it to anyone because to me it was normal. I didn’t understand that I could be person within a person. It was me on the outside as well as on the inside. I guess at the time I thought it was all part of what life was all about.

Flying

When I was around six years old, I had an experience that was so real to me I can’t tell if it was really real or not. I could fly. I flew up to the tree tops and down the street a ways. I taught one of the neighborhood kids I knew to fly as well. His sister couldn’t fly because she told us we shouldn’t be doing it. Later that summer, I could breath under water and swam around the whole public pool without coming up for air. A friend I was with asked me how I could do that. That is all I can remember.

Just a quick word on the aspects of my flying. I felt this total control of my body as if a hand was holding me aloft and I could fly where ever I wanted. Taking off was done by just pushing off from the ground and landing was like stepping down from the last step to the floor. Breathing while swimming was just as easy. I simply breathed the oxygen in the water through my nose. That is all. I can’t tell you about anything more special about it.

Another word about flying,… Whenever I am cycling, ice skating or roller skating, there is a person inside me that is shouting ‘WOO HOO!’ in excitement. That is my Self.

In the autumn of that year I was playing with a group of kids down the street who I never met before. I was having such a great time and then I heard my Dad call me back home for dinner. I remember I told the kids that I would come by the next day and they all said that they would not be around. I was really saddened because I had so much fun with them. They told me we would meet again in another life and then they all began to fade away.

Yeah, I know. Weird.

Fast forward to before I was going to get married. I was staying with my good friend in St. Louis. It was a bright and warm early summer morning and I propped myself up in bed to meditate like I would usually do. What I remember is being surrounded by a golden light that went on for infinity. There was no end. I was singular in place but could be anywhere and everywhere all at once. I had the knowledge of everything, but didn’t need to know all. I wasn’t a Body. I just was.

I have never had this experience since then. I would love to experience it again.

I have always known there is more to everything than the life we are living. That is why I have always found it difficult to just go along with life as we know it. I know there is more to it. To me, it is as if there is a veil hiding the real life we should be living but we don’t know how to pull it away to see. Probably because as humans, we could not even begin to comprehend it because we are not aware of our “Self”.

My Self is who I Am.

I am aware of my Self, I just haven’t been able to master it because of this body and mind I am locked in until the death of my body.

Yeah, I know. Weird. Part II

No, I have not lost it. These are my experiences and what I have experienced being alive in this body.

I have been to the edge at a very low point in my life, a very dark place. I became aware of this immense hum of silence that vibrated through everything. I could physically see it. I heard my ‘Self’ tell me to carry this life out to the end and find out how I really die. The thing is, we never actually die. That is why we should live these lives to their fullest potential. We are just expressions of our Selfs.

I question a lot of things, mostly because I still have a youthful curiosity, but still get so caught up in everyday crap that I lose my true essence. I am living in this human existence and drowning in it at the same time. It’s like what John Lennon said, “Life is what happens when you are making other plans.” Before you know it, …it is next Thursday, …two years from now.

When I Wish Upon A Star

What do I wish for? I wish for Peace on earth for all sentient beings. I also wish for Love. I haven’t felt love in such a long time. Don’t get me wrong, I know my kids love me and my family back in Ohio. But there is something about personal love, or the reciprocation of it, that is missing. For those of you who are in love with a special other, I admire that.

I am fortunate to have been in love and experienced all its graces. I also know that it is a human need to feel it. My Self just observes it through this body but is separate from it, because my Self is Pure Love. Always was, always will be. Maybe that is the connection we feel when we are in love with another person. The Self recognizes the Self, and where the Self is - there will always be Love. The human body is just along for the ride.