My Fascination With Life & Death

Okay, I’m returning to my fascination with death; Take a seat and buckle up.

The Man In The Mirror

I caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror. My first thought I had is that I was looking at another me, in another space and time. Funny thing is, he was looking back at me. I wondered how his life was going. I hoped he was happy and enjoying his world. I know that in my life I have had many difficult occurrences, and I am sure you have too, dear reader. I have emerged with some scars and fought my way back. I am also well aware that there are many other souls who have had it much much worse than my trials and tribulations.

I wondered, was it all worth it?

As I looked into this persons eyes standing opposite me, I saw that he has aged. I’ve been watching him my whole life. I thought that some day his body will be lifeless and I won’t be able to see him any more. That is the thing about death that I have difficulty with; Never being able to see that person alive ever again.

When Reality Happens

That struck me hard. Some of my favorite comedians, musicians and actors are no longer living. End of story. They were here, created some amazing things and now they won’t be creating any more. It leaves me wondering what could have been if they lived longer. What new creations they would have produced and brought into my world.

Back To The Mirror…

The guy in my mirror starred back at me. This wasn’t a game to see who would blink first. This moment was absorbing the essence of life and knowing that it will someday end without warning.

I sure hoped that that guy in the mirror is happy and enjoying his later years. I hope he made an impression on people during his life. He seems like a nice guy, and I would have liked to meet him and sit down to have a decent conversation, though I’ve never heard him speak. I wonder if he has an accent different to mine. What language does he speak? He often smiles toward me and comes in close to show me his teeth. Weird that. Yeah, I come in close at the same time and show him my teeth. Sometimes I try to point out if there is food stuck between the teeth and he understands, then we both pick away at the stuck food with a toothpick or our fingernails.

I watch him via many reflections, sometimes just in passing in a store front window. There are other people in his world that I see in those reflections that look similar to the people in my world. If I have the time, I sit and observe the people that are around him while he sits opposite me.

I think, ‘is he mocking me?’ Why does he mirror everything I do? If I turn my back on him, does he stop imitating me? I should hold up a mirror in my hand when I turn my back on him and see what he is doing. The thing is, I keep forgetting to take a hand held mirror with me when I set out to go to town, or I can’t find one in my bathroom.

I would almost bet that his world is much better than mine. In my world there is violence, war and incredibly stupid people making life hard for others. I like to think that his world is peaceful and splendid. I really should try to strike up a conversation with him. When I attempt it, we seem to talk over ourselves and I end up only hearing myself speak. I give him chances to speak and make gestures to show that I won’t interrupt, but then he only copies my movements. He is such a copy cat. I wish he wouldn’t do that.

I go days at a time not seeing him and wonder if he is alright. I hope he is having wonderful days, or days better than mine. I tell myself that he must be having a better day to cheer myself up. Sometimes I can’t tell his mood when I see him again after not seeing him for several days. Lately he hasn’t been smiling much. He seems to be in a non-expressive mood as of late.

I think he looks tired lately. I wonder why.

I wish I could walk right into and through that mirror and shake his hand. I would tell him about life on my side of the mirror and find out the truth about his life on his side of the mirror. I used to see a woman whom I thought might be his wife, but I haven’t seen her in a long while. I hope everything is okay with her. There were a lot of resemblances of my wife; Maybe it was her doppelganger? He had children as well, but I never see them any more. Maybe they’ve moved out or live in their bedrooms doing what teenagers do. I dunno.

Reality Part II

Oh, the point of this whole article?? Sorry, I got way laid about this guy I see in my mirror. Truth is, when I look in this mirror, I see Me. I know that I am witnessing Me as a living person. Alive for the time being. I know that one day I will cease to be alive. The thing is, I don’t want life to end. If possible, I really want to still be Me after death. To be aware that I have left my body but that I am still intact. It would be a shame to loose all the knowledge and experience that I have gained in this life.

I don’t believe in heavens or hell’s, or anything like that. I honestly don’t know what happens after I die, or if I will even be aware that I have died. At the moment, I am just living in my moment with my surroundings and am aware of everything in my immediate area. That is all that I can control, ….but ‘control’ doesn’t suffice what I really want to get across to you.

My person in my mirror is a reflection of Me, that is all. I know what I am looking at. I like my imagination to tell stories, and seeing my reflection gave me an opportunity to play with that concept. But what if I am looking into another world, another Me living an alternative life? But I don’t know how to cross over and witness that alternative life! I know it seems Twilight Zone-ish, and I am sure this subject has been written about by others.

I love being alive. That is the only way I know how to be. I don’t remember ever being not alive. I don’t remember if I ever was before I was brought into this world? All I know is that I am present now and someday I will not be present. I’m not afraid of the unknown, I am just curious as I have written before in a previous article.

I am getting older. I don’t know how much longer I have to live on this planet. Yes, it is quite daunting to think about it. I have loved and been loved, and that is one of the highlights of my world. I have run the course of emotions and feelings of life, just as you have. I have soaked it all in, keeping some of it and discarding the rest. I own my baggage.

I once wrote an article about the question, “if I could do it all over again — would I?” My obvious answer is YES but with the provision of keeping my experiences from this life, so I may correct certain things to change them, instead of making the same mistakes. It’s far fetched I know, so I will file that under my ‘What If…’ file.

In ending, I am fortunate in living the life I have lived, and the people I have surrounded myself with. I could not ask for more. I am happy now and if my life would end after I published this article, so be it. No qualms here. I guess my only regret is, that I could have been more present in all my moments. Then again, I think I was. My only wish is that I wish life would have moved slower, especially when the thralls of love was present.