Maybe Next Lifetime…

I send you hints and make small gestures and you don’t raise an eyebrow. If anything, you are consistent. I am reduced to a shadow whenever I am near you. But I will accept that because at the very least I am near you.

I am still in love with you, though it is not reciprocated like it once was. Then again, what the hell is love anyway? Was it more infatuation or lust in the beginning? It has fluctuated over time.

There were times I couldn’t stand to be near you or understand your way of thinking. There were times I was tired of your rituals and mannerisms. Deep in my thoughts I knew it was a passing phase and I would come out the other end craving your attention and love.

Now I am older and I don’t need the things I might have taken for granted when we were young. To be completely honest, I didn’t know what I wanted. I just knew that I felt complete being with you. You were my escape from the big bad world that I feared.

You took me out of my shell, or was it that I forced myself to move ahead instead of sideways. I grew in ways I never really knew I could. I knew I wanted out, but out of what? I know that I have always been searching out the more interesting things in life instead of accepting my place in the world before I met you. There was so much more to discover and you were my pathway to that, and that was wonderful for my inner growth.

I used to take everything you said as gospel. Looking back now, that wasn’t an intelligent decision on my part. l was under your spell and I will leave it at that.

What I remember most of all is that I never wanted to hold you back in any manner or hinder your pathway in your life. I never had the thought that I owned you and when we married I didn’t even expect you to take my last name. I knew I wanted to break that tradition quick smart. You weren’t my woman by law and I would not want you to be so.

But we grew apart together. I always thought we were a team and when we worked together we could accomplish anything. Maybe I got caught up in the romaticising of our relationship. Maybe that was what made me happy with you. I enjoyed the quiet together and looking back on it I have realized that you always needed some kind of stimulation. I failed you in that area.

Do I regret anything? Maybe. I am just happy that I gained the experience that I have. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Do I hurt? Everyday, every moment. But that is my chosing. If I could create the magic again to draw you near I would, but I am not magical in any way.

Did I really try to end my life? Yes. I was a moment away and I am here today writing this still in love with you.

As you know, I look at life differently than most people. Even though I may find it hard at times to make sense of this world, I know that I must see it through until the time comes when I meet my life ending as it is meant to be.

You know I speak with my heart and only use my thoughts to filter it. I see so much beauty in this world and yet I find such disappointment in people. Maybe we are chalk and cheese, you being the social extrovert and I being the reclusive introvert. As I have always said before, I don’t mind my own company and sometimes prefer it that way.

I repect your evolution and am happy to have been a small part of it. I like to think we have had past lives together and future ones to live. I know we are living many lifetimes at present. Then again I think I am just making that shit up. As you know, I don’t believe in a lot of spiritual hoo-haa.

What do I miss? Your warmth cozying up with you. The smell of you. Hearing you breath laying next to me. I used to wake up at night and just stare at you sleeping so peacefully. I would sometimes whisper to you in your sleep how grateful I was to be next to you. I miss that.

So here I am with my laptop to keep me occupied. To conjure up my writings about my world and experiences. Maybe this has replaced you in a small way as I love writing deep thoughts and silly musings. Did you know that there are hidden messeges in some of my writings for you? I have tried to be subtle about it as to not draw attention to it.

Well I think I have said more than I intended. In fact I didn’t set out to write this tonight. I may not even send you a link to this and just publish it and wonder if anyone will even read it. I just needed to release these thoughts to the universe. As you know I love the Cosmos and dream about flying amongst the stars and galaxies. I am at peace with the stars and can’t get enough of them when gazing upward at night. I wish upon falling stars that I see to be close to you again but….. maybe next lifetime.