I’m Hiding In The Wide Open
I’m hiding. From what, I don’t know. I once saw a therapist who told me straight up that I was hiding from something. He told me to stop hiding. He was correct in his assumption, I just didn’t think of myself as hiding from something. He never told me what I was hiding from.
I’ve told you in prior stories that I like to observe people. I kind of do it on the sly. I just like observing others nuances, gates and mannerisms. I get a kick out of it. As a young kid I liked to spy on people, as I thought that spying was cool. I feel like I could slip into a room full of people and no one would notice me. I’ve actually have done this on several occasions, and then I slip out of the room. When I talk to people that I know, who I saw in the room, they ask me why I wasn’t there. They say that they didn’t see me.
I don’t think that I am hiding, it’s more of me being invisible. If I could have the Invisibility Cloak from the Harry Potter series I would use it! I once had a dream where I was invisible, and in the dream I walked into the neighbors house. Weird, I know, but it was only a dream and I don’t know why I dreamed it.
When I’ve been asked what super power I would like to have, it’s a toss up between being able to teleport to any destination any time I wanted to, or to fly in the air with my body. Invisibility would be awesome as well. I can imagine me driving my car while invisible and freaking other drivers out. That would be fun.
I was once asked by the therapist what I was hiding from. Maybe because I am a middle child. My Mom always told me that she didn’t give me enough attention when I was young because my other siblings were vying for her attention. I guess?? I just made due with whatever was thrown my way. It never crossed my mind. I never thought twice about it. It was what it was.
I only visited that therapist once, because I thought he didn’t like me. I felt at the time that I was wasting his time. I really don’t like therapist unless they happen to be a massage therapist. I don’t like opening up to them and their stupid questions. First of all, they don’t know jack about me, and I know that they are ‘qualified’ in their field. I feel that they are using the same script on all their patients. I’d rather talk to someone who actually knows me. Someone I can trust.
I’m not always hiding. As I’ve mentioned in previous articles, I think of my self as a loaner. I like my own company. I don’t have friends. I have acquaintances, colleagues and work mates. But no, I don’t have any friends that I can hang out with. I don’t mind. Yeah, it would be cool I guess, but I don’t really have the time or could make the effort. It’s just who I am.
I think that if I am “hiding” …oh, I don’t know, maybe I’m really and only just being quiet. Don’t get me wrong, I can be quite outgoing and sociable. I have a few colleagues who tell me that I am one of the nicest people at work, and I thank them for telling me. I’m one of the ones who shows empathy and politeness. It’s one of my better aspects. I actually care.
Saying all of this, I like to blend into the background in crowds. I’ve gotten better at it as I used to do photography in the city a while back. After I had my shot set up I would look in an opposite direction while I took photos. This way, if the people saw the camera pointed at them while I was looking away, they most likely would think I wasn’t taking a photo. Some people don’t like to have their photo taken in public settings. I wouldn’t want to offend them, so I make sure that I’m not focusing on them (but camera already is!!)
One of the keys to hiding is to avoid eye contact.
So I guess I like this “hiding” thing that the therapist brought to my attention. When I was a smoker I used to hide so that no one noticed. I didn’t get away with it for too long, and now I’m paying the price. If I could go back in time I wouldn’t make that mistake. But you know, hindsight and all that shit.
I think that everyone hides in their own way. Everyone has secrets. Those that say they don’t are liars. Hiding is part of the human condition. I think it’s mostly about not wanting to embarrass ourselves for some reason. I also think that we all kind of enjoy this phenomena. It’s kind of like that game of ‘I know something that you don’t know’ without actually saying it out loud.
I like hiding in plain site. So what if I do? I’m not hurting anyone. I would never want to hurt someone! But that’s not what my hiding is all about. It’s just a way for me to establish my space without intruding on anyone else’s space or time.
Hiding to me is my way of being in the moment, especially when it seems like there is chaos all around. Hiding is calming. I’m probably at my most rational when I am in hiding. Maybe the term ‘hiding’ is not the term I should be using, but I can’t think of any other descriptive word, but I’m hiding from my thesaurus. So maybe I should say that I am ‘invisible’ instead.
Hiding is a virtue. It’s needed in daily life, otherwise I would go completely bonkers! To be in hiding is peaceful. Besides, I’m not ‘hiding’ anything while I am hiding. I’m only in my own state of mind. I like going unnoticed. I’ve been doing it since I was a young “middle” child and I’m not about to change now. Maybe it is my super power?!
