I’m Having Conversations With Myself

Does this happen as one ages? I’m having complete conversations with myself a lot lately. What I mean is that I’m, well…, having conversations with myself! Like there are two people, both Me, having a conversation, in my head. It is happening now, right at this moment.

Both voices are my own, and sometimes I actually speak out loud, but under my breath. This is crazy! I remember watching cartoons and seeing a character that has an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other shoulder. Each one is trying to convince/influence the character (the cartoon figure) what to do. I know that it was just a cartoon character and all make believe for my entertainment, and I’m not having that kind of conversation. My characters are my voices inside my head and it’s mostly gibberish.

Is it my age? Am I becoming senile? At this moment I cannot recall my internal conversations, but I am having them. Not all the time, thank goodness. There are times I catch myself in mid conversation thinking, ‘what the hell!’ I’m bemused.

I don’t recall ever having this happen to me when I was young. I do remember my consciousness making me aware in certain situations when I was young. More of a warning , or a piece of advice, as if guiding me. Now it’s more like a debate with myself that is going on in my noggin. This is just completely mad!

I wonder when I am in the public, if people see me and if my lips are moving. I’ve seen people doing this when I’m out and about, and they are usually old people. On my gosh, I’m doomed! Am I turning into one of them? Once again, does this happen as we get older? Will I start dressing in raggedy clothes carrying bags of non-such with my person while people avoid me and pull their children away in fear? I hope not.

I don’t mind growing wiry hairs on my eyebrows, or growing wild hairs out of my nostrils, because I can pluck them and groom myself to look respectable. But talking to myself in public??! Someone, take me out to pasture, please, I beg you. Take me behind the shed and put me out of my misery!

The only time I catch myself talking to myself is in my house, …so far. I can only imagine as I get older that there will be a time when I have copious amounts of spittle around my lips and chin, all the while looking discombobulated. People will stare and point at me at a distance and think, ‘Oh, that old man has had a hard life.’ I can’t let this happen!

Then again, people may offer me loose change in order to help me, thinking I may need the money for food. I’ll gladly take it! I can never get enough McNuggets!! They’re my heroin.

Maybe I should see a therapist. I don’t think that they could ever help me. The only therapist I need is a good massage therapist. One that will put me to sleep, and let me sleep for a couple of hours. Have you ever had that happen to you? It’s priceless, except that they never let me sleep afterwards. What I would give to be massaged into a long deep sleep.

Maybe I should start taking drugs. I’ve always been curious about psychedelics. Then again, I really don’t like the feeling of not being in control of my body. I don’t even drink anymore. Not even to get tipsy. I don’t like it. I’d rather suffer through my agonies than having to mask them, even for a short while. It’s just not me, so drugs are out of the question. Except for the one’s that my doctor has prescribed me.

So I guess that I will just have to come to terms with my self conversations until I croak. I just hope that my family will be entertained by this as they watch me slowly become senile. I hope that I become unaware of myself as I deteriorate. I also hope that when I am in the process of this that wherever my mind is, that I am in total bliss consciousness. Oblivious to my surroundings. La-la land.

But all of that won’t happen as far as I know. I will just have to somehow learn to become entertained with myself and my internal conversations. I only wish that they lead me somewhere, give me purpose and make me rich beyond my greatest aspirations. Wouldn’t that be great!? Living the dream baby!

Until that time, if that time ever eventuates, I will simply keep having my internal conversations, that make no sense to me whatsoever, and fight the good fight. Which begs the question, ‘Am I already loosing the battle?’ I just hope I don’t become a curmudgeon old dude. That’s a path I don’t want to set foot on. I’d rather get lost in a deep forest and face my worst demons.

Ya’ know, I don’t mind if I become a senile, drooling old man that wouldn’t hurt a fly. I’m already in my own world as it is. Neither enlightened nor blissed out. At least I know when to eat, sleep and poop. I like it when life is simple.

If having internal conversations with myself is part of getting old, I can deal with that. I’m good. Now it’s time to catch a few Z’s. Goodnight all!