Reaching Out To My Brother

I’m at a loss.

Quite angry too.

The only thing I will relate this to is the recent killing of school children in Texas.

I am not going to expound on that tragic event and the numerous others that keep happening in the USA. Everything is already known and I have nothing further to add. In writing this….

I am sad. I am hurting. I lashed out on my Facebook feed, but held my tongue in my Twitter feed. I wanted someone in my family to respond to the way I was feeling. To be angry and upset alongside with me. To communicate with me. No one responded directly to me. I was actually stunned by their silence. Two of my friends replied with the sad emoji on my posts.

I wasn’t being dramatic. I was posting things that were direct and true. Yes, I was emotional. For crying out loud, children were just slaughtered for no reason at all what so ever. It keeps happening in America, the U S of A. What’s most appalling about it, is that there are people that won’t act to stop it. Humans, that only repeat the same thing after every goddamn slaughter. It’s always the thoughts and prayers response followed by the 2nd amendment. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

This time really broke me. I will never ever return to the USA for the rest of my life. I won’t ever see my brothers and sister and hug them again. I won’t show my children where I grew up and all the places that were special to me. In actual fact, I am scared that I might be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don’t want to see the ugliness that the USA has become.

I have written in my post that the world is not laughing at the USA, rather it is aghast that nothing is being done about it. That, is the saddest part of all this tragedy. Not one person in government is doing a damn thing about it. Not one! The GOP is corrupt beyond reproach. Everyone sees it for what it is, and still, …nothing gets done. The USA is no longer a Democracy when one group denies the passing of laws to help the public, just because they can. The USA is dead on arrival.

Yes, I am being harsh. It hurts because it is true. But this isn’t the reason I am writing today. Let me clear the air, and in doing so I may be severing a brotherly bond which has been lifeless for a long time.

In one of my posts, I wrote to one of my brothers, though he does not have me as a friend on Facebook. But that’s okay with me. He has been influenced by other men in his church and within the party he votes for. It is quite obvious. He also owns a gun, maybe more than one. He showed it to us once during a video conference. I asked him what he is scared of. He did not reply. He just looked down at this gun as he rubbed a clothe over it. I know my question made my other siblings uneasy and they quickly diminished the subject and the call ended soon after.

I once asked him, as he is a Christian, that if his god asked him to kill me, would he? He actually took some time to think about it and said that he would do as his god asked because his god has a plan for everything. I was stunned to say the least. Of course my brother will deny this ever happening or change what he said, if he remembers at all.

Will this make him mad at me. Right now in my life, I don’t really care. As far as I am concerned, he can go to Utah or Wyoming to be with his Christian militiamen and get all geared up for the upcoming war in their dreams. I love him as a brother will always love a brother, but he has been influenced, indoctrinated too deep. I always looked up to him growing up and sought his advice on a lot of things, but now … I wish him a peaceful life and hope that his god will lead him to true enlightenment.

I haven’t talked to him in a while and I wonder what his thoughts are on all the slaughtering of the school children across the USA. But he is probably mad at me thoroughly and most likely cannot comprehend my feelings of sadness about the innocent children being killed needlessly. No one in their right mind wants that.

On the bright side, a sister in law of mine wrote about her feelings on social media. I felt for her. I was happy that someone from my family, even though it was an in-law, wrote something. I replied to her post and thanked her for mentioning something. I think that a lot of people would love to speak out but are afraid of offending someone in their circle of family, friends, workers or church group. It made me happy that someone else kind of felt the same way as I do.

Well, I am going to step aside of social media for a few. I may check in from time to time but I am going to withdraw from posting for the time being. I need to clear my head, step away from it all and go deep within my thoughts, because I really need to do this for me. Everything has become white noise to me. It is as if my screen of the world has become that picture of static on the TV when it wasn’t connected to the antennae.

I want to apologize to my brother if he is upset with me. Maybe it is me reaching out to you. Maybe certain truths hurt. I know that in my life I will never see you again because you will shut me out like you did our Dad; Which was really stupid. Dad was who he was and we could never change his ways. I loved Dad for all he was and would give almost anything to be with him again. Same with Mom. I still can’t believe that you hit her once. Maybe you need to go deep within your own self and find some goodness that will support humanity. What are You scared of? You can talk to me. Anytime.

On a lighter note, I remember once visiting you in Athens and cycling around the hills down there. They were brutal. I remember cresting one hill and having to stop to recover and my heartbeat was pounding through my skull. You soon came up the hill and kept on going. I admired you for your strength and endurance. You have nothing to prove to me. I still love you brother. I always will. Don’t be scared. You have nothing to be scared about. Don’t let the those that influence you, influence you. Without You, they are nothing. Without them, You are something.

I know how you think. I know how opinionated you are. I accept that. That is who you are. I never tried to change you. My door is always open for you. I understand where you are coming from and I understand your position on matters. I just wish that was a two way street. Maybe a little compassion would help you. Your wife used to teach, assist, help children. That is true compassion. Maybe you should volunteer at a place where there are children. Maybe they could bring your inner child out to play once again.

You see, I never really grew up and I am still a kid. I never wanted to let that part of me go. Now that I am an ‘Adult’ I realize what complete bullshit that is. Be a kid with me again and let’s ride our bikes around the neighborhood. Just don’t lock my bike up in the garage like you did when we were kids. I forgive you for that brother. I didn’t like that you did that to me. But I forgive you. Life moves on, …for some kids.